I feel like I've reached an impasse. Actually I think I've felt like that for the past 8 months. I've been feeling a little lost since I left O Ya. When I started working there I thought a path would be laid out for me (to some extent anyway). When I became dissatisfied there, I felt some serious anxiety about leaving. Like I'm still not sure it was the right choice. Like I know, life is short, why stay in a situation that's making me unhappy. But this is a problem I've had my whole life. Put the work in now, reap the rewards later. My instinct has always been to find that shortest path. I get itchy, and restless. Why is it taking so long? Does it have to take so long?
I'm at my second job now since O Ya. I was briefly in charge of a kitchen (this makes it sound as if I led a team, but that wasn't the case) at a gourmet retail shop, which was an horrid place, with horrid people for owners. I'm very glad I'm not there anymore.
I'm working at a hipstery taco bar in Allston, one of two restaurants owned by a duo. The two places are conjoined, shared kitchen (almost) and shared prep areas and all that. A good friend works there too, which is nice. It's a far cry from a place like O Ya, but the food is pretty decent. I haven't really had the experience of like back-breaking, shit-show line work yet, and I felt like I needed it to sort of get me back to speed. I don't plan on being there long though, and at least I told them that when I was hired.
There's a sushi/french bistro up in Lincoln (def a hike for me to get there) that's got it's share of accolades, that's hiring for a couple positions. I've got a personal 'in' there too. I'm considering it. But the culinary world is tough like that. Like I'm making $12 an hour now at a dump (relatively speaking) and I'm sure whatever position I take at this place wouldn't be more than $10. I guess it's sort of like the design world's equivalent of the 'unpaid internship'. They exploit you under the guise of a learning experience, and a few scribbles on a CV. I can't say for certain that it would be like that, but that's the reality for relatively-inexperienced employees in the fine dining world.
And so the issue is, can I make that work? Part of the reason I left O Ya, was that I was getting paid shit, and I've got some serious debt. Like for a lot of people my age, who have nice positions at respectable firms, my debt would probably look like an annoyance at most. But for someone making only a little more than minimum wage (it hurt a little to type that...) it's kind of soul-crushing. My intention when I left O Ya was to find a job, or an amalgamation of jobs that would net me some decent pay regardless of the sort of work I'd be doing (that is to say, not necessarily in a line of work I'd like to pursue). I haven't been able to make that happen yet, and now, looking at that job at the sushi place, I'd be putting myself in a hard place again.
Like there are paths that I'd like to investigate, personally and professionally, that are just out of the question for me right now, because of my financial situation.
I guess the only solution I can come up with is just 'work harder'. Like if I want to break into another career temporarily to make some money, I need to refresh my skills in a lot of areas. Like, I know most people complain that they have 'no time' when they're not working to do stuff they want, and that it's a total fabrication most of the time, they really just don't want to give up their leisure time. But the sort of kitchen work I'm doing now is pretty back-breaking. I'm working shifts anywhere from 8 to 12 hours. Sometimes a 12 hour shift (ending at midnight or later) is followed by an opening shift. My body generally feels pretty broken so my days off are spent in recovery, and performing basic tasks to keep living a civilized life (shower, pay bills, some cleaning, pet maintenance, etc.) So I don't know. It's America right? I guess I just have to work harder.
Sarah and I are having some problems too, which is a whole other thing I may or may not talk about in the future.
a dance in battle costumes
you and i are like wounded beasts
- 3. ??? 4. PROFIT!