a dance in battle costumes

you and i are like wounded beasts

so i'm working for the frame shop again for a few months, while trying to get my business going. it's zero stress, and i have time to concentrate on anything other than work, so there's that.

A funny thing happened a couple weeks ago. My friend Scott who I worked with at Cardullo's, who still works there, contacted me and said the owners would like me to come back and help out during the holidays. I definitely laughed out loud hen i got his text.
I don't think I've talked much about Cardullo's here so I'll do that now. After I left O Ya, and was kind of at a loss about what to do next, I needed a job, and walked into Cardullo's not really expecting much (for anybody reading this not in Boston/not familiar, Cardullo's is a gourmet food shop that's been around a long time, located right in the center of Harvard Square in Cambridge). I guess they really liked me because they hired me on the spot, not for the cashier position that was advertised, but for a shipping coordinator position. It was sort of weird. The guy in charge of shipping and marketing and shit, one of the third generation of Cardullo's in charge of the store (also one of three siblings in the family, two of which were owners of the store), was only there 2 days a week, so my second day there i was on my own. it wasn't a difficult job, though it did cause me a bit of stress initially while getting used to using a proprietary back-end sales/inventory system.
Without getting into details, I did that job for about 6-7 months. During that time I did a little design and product photography work, and got a raise (though not a sufficient one) for that extra work. Around may or june or something, their chef (preparing food to be packaged for takeout, and some stuff for the deli sandwich counter) didn't show up for like a week. They asked me if I wanted to take over as Chef. I said yeah ok. By the end of July, I was pretty fed up. The store was filthy and unsanitary (rats and roaches, lots of roaches, super old inefficient equipment, employees who didn't give a shit), the owners were/are horrible people who only care about profit, and I still wasn't getting payed nearly enough considering I was working as their chef, and still continuing to handle a lot of their shipping needs. So I quit.
So yeah when Scott texted me I told him I wouldn't help them unless they paid me at least $15/hr and I wouldn't have any other responsibilities besides shipping. I guess they were ok with it, and said they'd pay $16/hr. (side note: the fact that $16/hour seems good depresses me more than I can really convey).

So I'll be doing 4 days at the frame shop, and 2 days at Cardullo's during december.


As far as my Private Chef business shit goes, I got my DBA from the city, and an EIN through the FED's website, so I'm basically just trying to set up vendor accounts now.

The woman who I did the initial dinner for wants to do another one, and Sarah has had a few clients take our info for possible dinners. I'm trying not to concern myself with how many jobs I get right now, since I'm working full time, and any money I get from this is supplementary right now. I'd rather focus on improving my food/service and really nailing each job. I mean the first dinner went well, but I forgot stuff on a plate or two, and I had to do a dessert for one of the guests on the fly because she was allergic to everything. I pulled it off, but I'm not the sort of person who feels that great when I accomplish something. I'm usually focusing on what I could have done to make it better.


definitely come to the conclusion that i have Resting Bitch Face. (Actually, I wouldn't say Bitch, It's more like Resting Sociopathic-Dead-Shark-Eyes Face). Also I look tired all the time. Like, dead-tired. I'd probably be a lot more attractive if I looked healthy and rested and ready for each day. Kinda bummed about it. Not really sure what I can do.

Like I NEVER get hit on. EVER. I mean I guess I can attribute some of it to gender expectations, but come on.

I still can't talk to girls. I don't know if I'll ever be able to and feel completely comfortable. I think I just didn't have enough healthy exposure as a kid. Girls, you're like another species to me. What do?

Kpop and other distractions
So our apartment is having a kpop party for Sarah's birthday in about a week. Pretty excited about it. We usually have pretty good turnouts, and everybody is very nice, and not crazy party people or anything.


the hat says "fucking summer" and i put gold spike studs on the underside of the brim.

This is partly what I'm wearing, along with various embellishments. Aside from our one death-metal loving roommate, everyone here is really into kpop. We got some sick rotating led lights to use in our recessed lighting.

also both of the cats are staring at me in that pic, wondering what the fuck I'm doing.

3. ??? 4. PROFIT!
I feel like I've reached an impasse. Actually I think I've felt like that for the past 8 months. I've been feeling a little lost since I left O Ya. When I started working there I thought a path would be laid out for me (to some extent anyway). When I became dissatisfied there, I felt some serious anxiety about leaving. Like I'm still not sure it was the right choice. Like I know, life is short, why stay in a situation that's making me unhappy. But this is a problem I've had my whole life. Put the work in now, reap the rewards later. My instinct has always been to find that shortest path. I get itchy, and restless. Why is it taking so long? Does it have to take so long?

I'm at my second job now since O Ya. I was briefly in charge of a kitchen (this makes it sound as if I led a team, but that wasn't the case) at a gourmet retail shop, which was an horrid place, with horrid people for owners. I'm very glad I'm not there anymore.

I'm working at a hipstery taco bar in Allston, one of two restaurants owned by a duo. The two places are conjoined, shared kitchen (almost) and shared prep areas and all that. A good friend works there too, which is nice. It's a far cry from a place like O Ya, but the food is pretty decent. I haven't really had the experience of like back-breaking, shit-show line work yet, and I felt like I needed it to sort of get me back to speed. I don't plan on being there long though, and at least I told them that when I was hired.

There's a sushi/french bistro up in Lincoln (def a hike for me to get there) that's got it's share of accolades, that's hiring for a couple positions. I've got a personal 'in' there too. I'm considering it. But the culinary world is tough like that. Like I'm making $12 an hour now at a dump (relatively speaking) and I'm sure whatever position I take at this place wouldn't be more than $10. I guess it's sort of like the design world's equivalent of the 'unpaid internship'. They exploit you under the guise of a learning experience, and a few scribbles on a CV. I can't say for certain that it would be like that, but that's the reality for relatively-inexperienced employees in the fine dining world.

And so the issue is, can I make that work? Part of the reason I left O Ya, was that I was getting paid shit, and I've got some serious debt. Like for a lot of people my age, who have nice positions at respectable firms, my debt would probably look like an annoyance at most. But for someone making only a little more than minimum wage (it hurt a little to type that...) it's kind of soul-crushing. My intention when I left O Ya was to find a job, or an amalgamation of jobs that would net me some decent pay regardless of the sort of work I'd be doing (that is to say, not necessarily in a line of work I'd like to pursue). I haven't been able to make that happen yet, and now, looking at that job at the sushi place, I'd be putting myself in a hard place again.

Like there are paths that I'd like to investigate, personally and professionally, that are just out of the question for me right now, because of my financial situation.

I guess the only solution I can come up with is just 'work harder'. Like if I want to break into another career temporarily to make some money, I need to refresh my skills in a lot of areas. Like, I know most people complain that they have 'no time' when they're not working to do stuff they want, and that it's a total fabrication most of the time, they really just don't want to give up their leisure time. But the sort of kitchen work I'm doing now is pretty back-breaking. I'm working shifts anywhere from 8 to 12 hours. Sometimes a 12 hour shift (ending at midnight or later) is followed by an opening shift. My body generally feels pretty broken so my days off are spent in recovery, and performing basic tasks to keep living a civilized life (shower, pay bills, some cleaning, pet maintenance, etc.) So I don't know. It's America right? I guess I just have to work harder.

Sarah and I are having some problems too, which is a whole other thing I may or may not talk about in the future.

Unnatural City Mix
So I made this mix a while ago. It's me attempting to pay tribute to some of my fav anime from the 80s and 90s. Mostly dark/weird stuff like Demon City Shinjuku, X, Perfect Blue, Patlabor, GITS, shit like that.

Unnatural City Mix

Jami Sieber - The Darkening Ground
Ned Hoper - Op 27 #2
Kenji Kawai - Unnatural City
Hoppy Kamiyama Visual Works - Arh-Blood Orgy
Keiji Haino - Untitled 1
Kenji Kawai - Virtual Crime
Moderat - Berlin
Two Lone Swordsmen - As Wordly Pleasures Wave Goodbye
Thieves Of Zozo - Semi-Precious
Tim Hecker - The Piano Drop
Nobuko Hori - Sukinan
Geinoh Yamashirogumi - Winds Over Neo-Tokyo
Kenji Kawai - Type 2052 Hadaly
Hoppy Kamiyama Visual Works - Arh(Nympho)
Hoppy Kamiyama Visual Works - Pause One(Symbiosis)
Yasuaki Shimizu - Intoxicating Blossoms
Shoji Meguro - Yosuga
Shoji Meguro - Rescue
Yoko Kanno - Siberian Doll House
Kenji Kawai - Floating Museum
Hoahio - Yachiyo View
Hoahio - Less Than Lovers, More Than Friends


let me know what you think if you give it a listen!

i forgot to post this when it actually happened. this was a couple months ago, I was helping one of the sushi guys at work, Guchi, who does a semi-weekly ramen pop-up in the city. It was fun! It was also funny that I go my pic taken just helping out on a one time basis, when there's another guy partnering with Guchi, lol. Whatevs. I'm kind of making a funny face, but i think it's just cause i'm concentrating like a boss...

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I always wonder whether my liking the music I do now is a natural progression from what I started out listening to. That is to say, I could have ended up listening to anything, depending on the choices I made. I can't help but think that the majority of people will end up settling on music that influenced them in their formative years. Not exclusively, but I mean, the first really strong memories I formed about music probably all relate to anime produced in the late 80s and early 90s. These days it's almost all I've been listening to. There's always the changing context of life to influence decisions too. About the time I started my LJ (fucking hell that was a long time ago...) I was listening to a lot of Dashboard, which reflected how I felt in general at the time.

Do you guys feel like your listening habits and tastes now were inevitable?

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been feeling really disconnected from everybody lately. like everyone's interests are diverging from my own, and it's times like this that i wish i was/had been more social or something, so that i could draw from a larger pool of friends.

"most human contact is so painful and horrible"

someone said that on some board I was lurking the other day, and it's kind of true.

like, how do you just FIND people that like the same shit as you, that live kind of in the same area as you, that don't have some weird character flaws that make interaction impossible? i feel like i should be able to figure this out, but man, i'm 28 and it hasn't happened yet, not really.

i'm starting to entertain the notion that i actually dislike everybody and that i subconsciously sabotage my potential friendships.

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New Mix: Nightbus

so i think everyone knows im really into nightbus, and so i finally
threw together a mix. I'll admit I'm not completely satisfied with it,
and I can't really place my finger on what it is that feels
incomplete, or out of place. Anyway, just wanted to share' some of
these tracks with you guys. Should be good to listen to on any form of
public transit at night :)
Vangelis - Keep Asking
Tim Hecker + Candy Lady mashup
Akira Yamaoka - Outreach
Burial - Forgive
Aaliyah - 4 Page Letter (CFCF Nightbus Edit)
How To Dress Well - Ready For The World (J Brooks' Edit)
The Weekend - The Morning (Dr.Unks's Edit)
excerpt from †‡† – SLOW MOTION MIXXXTAPE
▲ - Sphinx
Sleep∞Over - Liquid Slow
elite gymnastics - GΛGΛ
Vangelis - Mail From India
((Phil Collins)) (from Paolo's WARM SYRUP comp)
Elton John - Sacrifice (Vesperpepper's Nightbus Edit)

Hope you guys enjoy. Lemme know what you think!

d/l here


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